No
relationship can truly grow if you go on holding back. If you remain
clever and go on safeguarding and protecting yourself, only
personalities meet, and the essential centres remain alone. Then just
your mask is related -- not you. Whenever such a thing happens, there
are four persons in the relationship, not two. Two false persons go on
meeting, and the two real persons remain worlds apart.
Risk is there. If you become true, nobody knows whether this relationship will be capable of understanding truth, authenticity; whether this relationship will be strong enough to stand in the storm. There is a risk -- and because of it, people remain very very guarded. They say things which should be said; they do things which should be done. Love becomes more or less like a duty. But then the reality remains hungry, and the essence is not fed. So the essence becomes more and more sad. The lies of the personality are a very heavy burden on the essence, on the soul. The risk is real, and there is no guarantee for it -- but I will tell you that the risk is worth taking.
At the most, the relationship can break -- at the most. But it is better to be separate and to be real rather than being unreal and together -- because then it is never going to be satisfying. Benediction will never come out of it. You will remain hungry and thirsty, and you will go on dragging, just waiting for some miracle to happen.
For the miracle to happen you will have to do something, and that is -- start being true, at the risk that maybe the relationship is not strong enough and may not be able to bear it. The truth may be too much, unbearable -- but then that relationship is not worthwhile. So that test has to be passed.
Risk everything for truth, otherwise you will remain discontented. You will do many things, but nothing will really happen to you. You will move much, but you will never arrive anywhere, mm? The whole effect will be almost absurd.
It is as if vou are hungry and vou simply fantasise about food; beautiful, delicious. But fantasy is fantasy -- it is not real. You cannot eat unreal food. For moments you can delude yourself -- you can live in a dreamlike world -- but a dream is not going to give you anything. It will take many things from you -- and it will not give you anything in return. The time that you are using with a false personality is simply wasted; it will never come back to you again. Those same moments could have been real, authentic. Even a single moment of authenticity is better than a whole life of inauthentic living.
So don't be afraid. The mind will say to you to go on safeguarding the other and yourself, to keep safe. That's how millions of people are living.
Freud in his last days wrote in a letter to a friend that as far as he had observed.... And he really observed deeply -- nobody has observed so deeply, so penetratingly, so persistently and so scientifically. He says in the letter that as far as he has observed through his life, one conclusion seems absolutely certain -- that people cannot live without lies.
Truth is dangerously. Lies are very sweet, but unreal. Delicious... you go on saying sweet nothings to your lover, and he goes on whispering in your ear sweet -- but -- nothings. And meanwhile life goes on slipping out of your hands, and everybody is coming closer and closer to death.
Before death comes, remember one thing -- that love has to be lived before death happens. Otherwise you live in vain, and the whole of your life will be futile -- a desert. Before death comes, make it a certainty that love has happened. But that is possible only with the truth. So be true. Risk everything for truth, and never risk truth for anything else.
Let this be the fundamental law -- even if I have to sacrifice myself, my life, I am going to sacrifice it for truth but truth I wi!! never sacrifice for anything -- and tremendous happiness will be yours; undreamed of benedictions will shower on you.
Once you are true, everything else becomes possible. If you are false -- just a facade, a painted thing, a face, a mask -- nothing is possible. Because with the false, only false happens; with the truth, truth.
I understand your problem. That is the problem of all lovers -- that deep down they are afraid. They go on wondering whether this relationship will be strong enough to bear truth. But how can you know beforehand? There is no a priori knowledge. One has to move into it to know it.
How are you to know, sitting inside your house, whether you will be able to withstand the storm and the wind outside? You have never been in the storm. Go and see. Trial and error is the only way -- go and see. Maybe you will be defeated, but even in that defeat you will have become stronger than you are right now.
If one experience defeats you -- and another, and another -- by and by the very going through the storm will make you stronger and stronger and stronger. A day comes when one simply starts delighting in the storm, one simply starts dancing in the storm. Then the storm is not the enemy. That too is an opportunity -- a wild opportunity -- to be.
Remember, being never happens comfortably -- otherwise it would have happened to all. Remember, being cannot happen conveniently -- otherwise everybody would have being without any problem. Being happens only when you take risk, when you move in danger. And love is the greatest danger there is. It demands you totally.
So don't be afraid -- go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too it is good because one false relationship has ended, and now you will be more capable of moving into another relationship... truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.
But remember always, falsity never pays. It appears to, but it never pays. Only truth... and in the beginning, truth never looks like it is going to pay. It seems it will shatter everything. If you look at it from the outside, truth looks very very dangerous, terrible. But this is an outside view. If you go in, truth is the only beautiful thing. And once you start cherishing it, tasting it, you will demand more and more because it will bring contentment.
So don't be afraid. Gather courage to be, and go through these groups. They will be helpful, mm? But go truly there, otherwise nothing can be of help. And it will be good if the two of you can do the groups separately, because if you do them with your boyfriend, or husband or wife, their presence goes on functioning like an inhibitory force. You have been so related to them that the old pattern tends to repeat. It is easier with strangers to be truer.
Have you watched it? People just travelling in a train start talking with strangers -- and they assert things they have never asserted to their friends, because with the stranger, nothing is involved. After just half an hour your station will come and you will get off -- you will forget and he will forget what you have said. So whatever you have said makes no difference; nothing is at stake with a stranger.
People talking to strangers are more true, and they reveal their heart; but talking with friends, with relatives -- father, mother, wife, husband, brother, sister -- there is a deep unconscious inhibition. 'Don't say this -- he may feel hurt.' 'Don't do that -- mum won't like it.' 'Don't behave in this way -- the father is old; he may be shocked.' So one goes on controlling.
By and by the truth is dropped into the basement of your being, and you become very clever and cunning with the untrue. You go on smiling -- false smiles, which are just painted on the lips. You go on saying good things -- meaning nothing. You are getting bored with your boyfriend or your father, but you go on saying 'How glad I am to see you!' And your whole being says 'Now leave me alone!' But verbally you go on pretending. And they are also doing the same thing; nobody becomes aware because we are all moving in the same boat.
A religious person is one who comes out of this boat and risks his life. He says 'Either I want to be true, or I don't want to be at all. But I am not going to be false'.
Whatsoever the stake, try it -- but don't go on moving in a false way. The relationship may be strong enough. It may bear the truth. Then it is very very beautiful. If you cannot be true to the person you love, then where will you be true? Where? If you cannot be true to the person whom you think loves you, if you are afraid even with him to reveal the truth, to be totally spiritually naked before him, if even there you are hiding, then where will you find the place and space where you can be totally free?
That's the meaning of love -- that at least in one person's presence we can he totally nude. We know that he loves, so he will not misunderstand. We know that he loves, so the fear disappears. One can reveal all; one can open all the doors. One can invite the person to come in. One can start participating in another's being.
Love is participation... so at least with the lover, don't be untrue. I'm not saying to go into the marketplace and be true -- because that will create unnecessary trouble right now. But first with the lover, then with the family, then with people who are farther away. By and by you will learn that to be true is so beautiful that you would like to lose everything for it. Then in the marketplace....
Risk is there. If you become true, nobody knows whether this relationship will be capable of understanding truth, authenticity; whether this relationship will be strong enough to stand in the storm. There is a risk -- and because of it, people remain very very guarded. They say things which should be said; they do things which should be done. Love becomes more or less like a duty. But then the reality remains hungry, and the essence is not fed. So the essence becomes more and more sad. The lies of the personality are a very heavy burden on the essence, on the soul. The risk is real, and there is no guarantee for it -- but I will tell you that the risk is worth taking.
At the most, the relationship can break -- at the most. But it is better to be separate and to be real rather than being unreal and together -- because then it is never going to be satisfying. Benediction will never come out of it. You will remain hungry and thirsty, and you will go on dragging, just waiting for some miracle to happen.
For the miracle to happen you will have to do something, and that is -- start being true, at the risk that maybe the relationship is not strong enough and may not be able to bear it. The truth may be too much, unbearable -- but then that relationship is not worthwhile. So that test has to be passed.
Risk everything for truth, otherwise you will remain discontented. You will do many things, but nothing will really happen to you. You will move much, but you will never arrive anywhere, mm? The whole effect will be almost absurd.
It is as if vou are hungry and vou simply fantasise about food; beautiful, delicious. But fantasy is fantasy -- it is not real. You cannot eat unreal food. For moments you can delude yourself -- you can live in a dreamlike world -- but a dream is not going to give you anything. It will take many things from you -- and it will not give you anything in return. The time that you are using with a false personality is simply wasted; it will never come back to you again. Those same moments could have been real, authentic. Even a single moment of authenticity is better than a whole life of inauthentic living.
So don't be afraid. The mind will say to you to go on safeguarding the other and yourself, to keep safe. That's how millions of people are living.
Freud in his last days wrote in a letter to a friend that as far as he had observed.... And he really observed deeply -- nobody has observed so deeply, so penetratingly, so persistently and so scientifically. He says in the letter that as far as he has observed through his life, one conclusion seems absolutely certain -- that people cannot live without lies.
Truth is dangerously. Lies are very sweet, but unreal. Delicious... you go on saying sweet nothings to your lover, and he goes on whispering in your ear sweet -- but -- nothings. And meanwhile life goes on slipping out of your hands, and everybody is coming closer and closer to death.
Before death comes, remember one thing -- that love has to be lived before death happens. Otherwise you live in vain, and the whole of your life will be futile -- a desert. Before death comes, make it a certainty that love has happened. But that is possible only with the truth. So be true. Risk everything for truth, and never risk truth for anything else.
Let this be the fundamental law -- even if I have to sacrifice myself, my life, I am going to sacrifice it for truth but truth I wi!! never sacrifice for anything -- and tremendous happiness will be yours; undreamed of benedictions will shower on you.
Once you are true, everything else becomes possible. If you are false -- just a facade, a painted thing, a face, a mask -- nothing is possible. Because with the false, only false happens; with the truth, truth.
I understand your problem. That is the problem of all lovers -- that deep down they are afraid. They go on wondering whether this relationship will be strong enough to bear truth. But how can you know beforehand? There is no a priori knowledge. One has to move into it to know it.
How are you to know, sitting inside your house, whether you will be able to withstand the storm and the wind outside? You have never been in the storm. Go and see. Trial and error is the only way -- go and see. Maybe you will be defeated, but even in that defeat you will have become stronger than you are right now.
If one experience defeats you -- and another, and another -- by and by the very going through the storm will make you stronger and stronger and stronger. A day comes when one simply starts delighting in the storm, one simply starts dancing in the storm. Then the storm is not the enemy. That too is an opportunity -- a wild opportunity -- to be.
Remember, being never happens comfortably -- otherwise it would have happened to all. Remember, being cannot happen conveniently -- otherwise everybody would have being without any problem. Being happens only when you take risk, when you move in danger. And love is the greatest danger there is. It demands you totally.
So don't be afraid -- go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too it is good because one false relationship has ended, and now you will be more capable of moving into another relationship... truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.
But remember always, falsity never pays. It appears to, but it never pays. Only truth... and in the beginning, truth never looks like it is going to pay. It seems it will shatter everything. If you look at it from the outside, truth looks very very dangerous, terrible. But this is an outside view. If you go in, truth is the only beautiful thing. And once you start cherishing it, tasting it, you will demand more and more because it will bring contentment.
So don't be afraid. Gather courage to be, and go through these groups. They will be helpful, mm? But go truly there, otherwise nothing can be of help. And it will be good if the two of you can do the groups separately, because if you do them with your boyfriend, or husband or wife, their presence goes on functioning like an inhibitory force. You have been so related to them that the old pattern tends to repeat. It is easier with strangers to be truer.
Have you watched it? People just travelling in a train start talking with strangers -- and they assert things they have never asserted to their friends, because with the stranger, nothing is involved. After just half an hour your station will come and you will get off -- you will forget and he will forget what you have said. So whatever you have said makes no difference; nothing is at stake with a stranger.
People talking to strangers are more true, and they reveal their heart; but talking with friends, with relatives -- father, mother, wife, husband, brother, sister -- there is a deep unconscious inhibition. 'Don't say this -- he may feel hurt.' 'Don't do that -- mum won't like it.' 'Don't behave in this way -- the father is old; he may be shocked.' So one goes on controlling.
By and by the truth is dropped into the basement of your being, and you become very clever and cunning with the untrue. You go on smiling -- false smiles, which are just painted on the lips. You go on saying good things -- meaning nothing. You are getting bored with your boyfriend or your father, but you go on saying 'How glad I am to see you!' And your whole being says 'Now leave me alone!' But verbally you go on pretending. And they are also doing the same thing; nobody becomes aware because we are all moving in the same boat.
A religious person is one who comes out of this boat and risks his life. He says 'Either I want to be true, or I don't want to be at all. But I am not going to be false'.
Whatsoever the stake, try it -- but don't go on moving in a false way. The relationship may be strong enough. It may bear the truth. Then it is very very beautiful. If you cannot be true to the person you love, then where will you be true? Where? If you cannot be true to the person whom you think loves you, if you are afraid even with him to reveal the truth, to be totally spiritually naked before him, if even there you are hiding, then where will you find the place and space where you can be totally free?
That's the meaning of love -- that at least in one person's presence we can he totally nude. We know that he loves, so he will not misunderstand. We know that he loves, so the fear disappears. One can reveal all; one can open all the doors. One can invite the person to come in. One can start participating in another's being.
Love is participation... so at least with the lover, don't be untrue. I'm not saying to go into the marketplace and be true -- because that will create unnecessary trouble right now. But first with the lover, then with the family, then with people who are farther away. By and by you will learn that to be true is so beautiful that you would like to lose everything for it. Then in the marketplace....
Then truth simply
becomes your way of life. But start, mm? The alphabet of love, truth,
has to be learned with those who are very close -- because they will
understand, mm? Good.
by
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