jagadeesh krishnan

Whenever there is a change, any sort of change, things will come into focus more clearly. When change disturbs you, all your inner disturbances are stirred. You are both feeling disturbed and both trying to throw the responsibility on the other. Just try to see it inside yourself. The other is never responsible. Remember that as a mantra: The other is never responsible.... Just watch it ... just watch it. If you become wise in the moment, there will be no problem. This is wisdom that you get later on. Everybody becomes wise when the moment is gone. Retrospective wisdom is worthless. When you are picking on something, at that very moment become aware, and let awareness function. Immediately you will drop it. But when you have done everything and fought and nagged and bitched and then you become wise and see that there was no point in it, it is too late. It is meaningless -- you have done the harm. This wisdom is just pseudo-wisdom. It gives you a feeling as if you have understood. That is a trick of the ego. This wisdom is not going to help. When you were doing the thing, at that very moment, simultaneously, the awareness should arise, and you should see that it is useless. If you can see it when it is there, then you cannot do it. One can never go against one's awareness, and if one goes against it, that awareness is not awareness. Something else is being mistaken for it. So remember, the other is never responsible for anything. It is something boiling within you. And of course the one you love is closest to you. You cannot throw it on some stranger passing on the road, so the closest person becomes the place where you go on throwing and pouring your nonsense. But that has to be avoided, because love is very fragile. If you do it too much, if you overdo it, love can disappear. The other is never responsible. Try to make this such a permanent state of awareness in you that whenever you start finding something wrong with the other, remember it. Catch yourself redhanded, and drop it then and there. And ask to be forgiven. And the second thing. Don't think that love is eternal. It is very fragile. It is as fragile as a rose flower. In the morning it is there -- by the evening it is gone. Any small thing can destroy it. In fact the higher a thing, the more fragile it is. It has to be protected. A rock will remain there but the flower will be gone. If you throw a rock against the flower, the rock is not going to be hurt, but the flower will be destroyed. Love is very fragile and very delicate. One has to be very very careful and cautious about it. You can do such harm that the other becomes closed, becomes defensive. That's how one becomes closed. If you are fighting too much he will start escaping you; he will start becoming more and more cold, more and more closed, so he is no more vulnerable to your attack. Then you will attack him more because you will resist that coldness. This can become a vicious circle. And that's how lovers fall apart by and by. They drift away from each other, and they think that the other was responsible, that the other betrayed them. In fact as I see it, no lover has ever betrayed anybody. It is only ignorance that kills love -- nobody betrays it. Both wanted to be together, but somehow both were ignorant. Their ignorance played tricks upon them and became multiplied. By and by they drifted. Then they think that love is dangerous. Love is not dangerous. Only unawareness is dangerous. There are many people who avoid love just to be on safe ground. There are people who don't want to get committed in any relationship because they know that once you are committed and you come close, fighting starts, resistance starts, and ugly things bubble up, so what is the point? At the most they are interested in sexual relationships, but not in intimacy. And unless a relationship is intimate and deep, you will never know what relationship is. Just a sexual relationship is a peripheral thing, and you will never be contented by it. These things are natural. One has to accept them and by and by transcend them. If you feel too much anger, move into your room, beat the pillow, cry, weep, scream, but do it alone. Why show your ugly face to the other? What is the point? Just cathart. A wise person moves through his unhappiness alone, and whenever he is happy, comes and shares it with people. A fool shares his unhappiness with people, and when he is happy he sits alone. [Another sannyasin said she too was having difficulties in her relationship. Her boyfriend felt less and less like making love and this made her upset and frustrated, and she then became aggressive towards him. She said they were also at variance over how they used their money, as she wanted to be thrifty so they could stay in Poona longer, while he spent money easily and seemingly with no thought for the future.] First thing: a moment always comes in life when one of the partners will not feel like having sex. It happens to every couple more or less. When the other person does not want to have sex, the other clings to it more than ever. The other starts feeling that if there is no sex, the relationship will disappear. The more you ask for it, the more afraid he will feel. The relationship will disappear -- not because sex has disappeared, but because you go on demanding and he feels nagged continuously and he does not feel like making love. He can either force himself and then he will feel bad, or if he goes his own way, he feels bad that he is making you unhappy; he feels guilty. One thing has to be understood -- that sex has nothing to do with love. At the most it is a beginning. Love is greater than sex, higher than sex. Love can flower without sex. [She answers: But he'll never say he loves me.] No, you are making him afraid, because if he says that he loves you, you are ready there asking for sex. In your mind, love is almost synonymous with sex, that I can see. That's why he has become even afraid to touch and hug you. If he hugs you, touches you, you are ready. You are making him afraid and you are not seeing the point. You are pushing him away unknowingly. He will become afraid to even talk to you because he talks and again the situation comes up and argument and this and that. You cannot argue about love. You cannot convince anybody about love. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't. He loves you, otherwise he would leave you. And you love him but you have a wrong understanding about sex. My understanding is this, that love starts growing for the first time when the hectic feverish sex has gone, has by and by slowed down. Then love becomes more and more settled, finer, superior. Something delicate starts happening. But you are not allowing it to happen. He is ready to love you but you are clinging to sex. You go on pulling him down. That pulling him down may destroy the whole relationship. I can understand, because the feminine mind always clings to sex only when the man is not interested. If the man is interested, the woman is completely uninterested. I see this every day. If the man is after you, you play the game that you are uninterested. When the man is not interested, you become afraid, and then the whole role changes. Then you start playing the game that you need it, that without it you will go crazy; that you cannot live without it. All that is just nonsense! Nobody has ever gone mad without it! If you love the person, your energy will be transformed. If you don't love the person, then drop out. If you love the person, the energy has a chance now to transform to a higher reality. Use that opportunity. And nagging is not going to help. It will make everything more ugly and it will do just the opposite of what you want. Money is not important... and it may be just a trick to control.
by
k.jagadeesh
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